Questioning Cancer

After Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, my mom drove Jeff and me back to Side by Side and life went back to its daily rhythm. However, the specter haunting the unspeakable background of our minds was the question of whether Jeff actually had cancer blooming within his belly. Would the presence of this possible cancer permanently remove him from the liver transplant list, which was his only chance at long-term survival?

Jeff had an appointment with Dr. Xander, his GI doctor coming up. 

We tried to distract ourselves from the appointment by working on the “Intro to Judaism Class”, watching movies, and playing with our teddy bears, but no matter what, time was ticking by. It was only a matter of time before it was November 2nd and we found out whether or not Jeff really had cancer.

The Drive to Dr. Xander’s Appointment

On November 2nd I took the ride down to Baystate Medical Center in Springfield with him as his “escort”. I had copies of his notes from the appointments with Dr. Swizzer (the cancer specialist) and the transplant team. He had tried to stuff them in his pockets at the end of the last appointment with them, but I rescued them and put them in my backpack to add to my growing folder of his medical records(By that point, I had his medical history, med list, and allergy list saved in Google Docs on my phone and permission to speak to all his doctors and his medical insurance company on his behalf.).

Even though Dr. Xander was more local to us, he was still an hour away.  Jeff and I tried to talk on the way down there, but we were both too nervous that our conversations kept straying and then petering off. Finally, we just let the radio take over and we spaced off into our own zones of panicky worry thoughts.

Jeff and His Subconscious Fear of the Cancer Diagnosis

Dr. Xander was in the same office as my GI doctor. So I knew exactly where to direct Jeff to go once we got to the building.  We waited a good twenty minutes before being called in.  Jeff kept getting up and pacing the waiting room and asking me if I thought he had time for a cigarette break.

“They can call you at any time now. If you’re not here, they’ll skip over you and go to the next patient. You’ll miss your whole appointment,” I had to keep explaining.  Part of me wondered if he was subconsciously, or even consciously, trying to do just that. 

Just as I seemed to be fighting what was turning out to be a losing battle on the “going out for a cigarette break argument”, a young woman stepped out into the waiting room and called out Jeff’s name.

He finally stopped arguing with me and put the cigarette pack and lighter back in his pocket. Then he began wheeling me toward the door.

Who Has Cancer; Me or Jeff

At first, the young woman seemed confused about who the patient was, me or Jeff. It was probably because I was the one in the wheelchair with all the IVs and a feeding tube attached. Not to mention the G tube drainage bag hanging down between my legs. Jeff’s possible cancer wasn’t visible. Plus, she’d seen me there before to see Dr. Tuyyab.

“No, this is Jeff’s appointment,” I explained. “I’m his girlfriend. He has a traumatic brain injury, so I keep track of his medical issues, medications, history, and everything, he just has to push me around because I’m handicapped.  I have a rare degenerative neurological condition.”

I always felt kind of bad that Jeff had to lug me around with him. But he never seemed to mind. In fact, he loved me so much he was getting into a lifelong process of completely converting to a different religion for me.

Weight Loss as a Warning Sign For Cancer

Once the medical assistant finally understood that part, things went more smoothly from there.  When she weighed Jeff and got his vitals, his weight was down another three pounds. I didn’t like that. That was bad news. Jeff had only ever weighed about 170 at the most to start with. Now he was under 160, that really worried me.  Weight loss was a big red flag when it came to cancer.

Panic was threatening to strip and run naked through my brain again, I did my best to force myself to breathe, stay calm and dress it back up for Jeff’s sake.

Jeff had his doctor’s office face on, an expressionless mask face that showed really no emotion at all.

Meeting Dr. Xander

When Dr. Xander came into the room, he shook both our hands and then got right down to business.

“You’re here because oncology at Umass Memorial hospital had a question of whether the shadow on your liver is cancer or not.” He stated instead of asking as he sat down in his leather office chair in front of his fancy desktop computer. Jeff nodded with the doctor’s office face still on.

I handed Dr. Xander the file folder from Jeff’s appointment that awful day at Umass Memorial Medical Center when my life had been turned upside down and I had started a constant worry stream in my head about Jeff and what his life had in store for both of us and how much longer we had together.

Dr. Xander accepted the paperwork.

“This is great you guys are very organized,” he said impressed.

I smiled, taking that as a compliment.

How Jeff’s Liver Failed

“So you have liver failure from excessive alcohol intake in the past?’ Dr. Xander asked Jeff.

“Yeah, I fucked my liver up pretty good,” Jeff said.  “But I had a really fun time doing it.  Everyone loved me at parties.”

“Are you still drinking now?” asked Dr. Xander.

“No way,” Jeff said. “Becca would kill me.  Plus, I had to get completely sober and swear off drinking for the rest of my life in order to get on the liver transplant list. Only now it looks like that was all for nothing because if I have cancer again I’m off the transplant list for the rest of my life..”

Looking at the Scans

“Well, here are some of the images that they sent me,” Dr. Xander pulled up those same grainy images on his computer. All I could work out were gray and white blobs and an external body structure. Everything on the inside looked the same.

Jeff and I both gazed at the images and nodded our heads with no idea what we were looking at.

Almost Definitely Not Cancer

“There is a little gray spot right here,” Dr. Xander pointed to a random part of the blob,” but it could just be artifact (inaccurate images on the picture due to movement of the patient during the time the scan was done), it’s definitely not something I would automatically call cancer or even go as far as wanting to biopsy. It could be something as simple as a mild infection.”

Jeff and I exchanged glances, his face still stayed blank for the most part. Most people wouldn’t have been able to read the imperceptible change in his eyes, but I could see a look of relief flash through them before they returned to his doctor’s office expression of blankness

“My recommendation,” continued Dr. Xander, ” would be to wait three months and then repeat the MRI.  If you have any symptoms that could be even remotely linked to liver cancer or any cancer you will need to contact me immediately. “

Making Sure It Doesn’t Turn Into Cancer

“What would those symptoms to watch out for be?” I asked. I knew most of them from nursing school, but it was different when it was hitting a loved one. You wanted exact answers and to be completely and totally on top of every last detail.

“That would be easy bruising, change in sleeping habits, unintentional weight loss, unexplained fevers, unexplained pain anywhere in your body, feeling tired all of the time, any type of sores or cuts that won’t heal, unusual bleeding, or low red blood cell counts. ” Listed Dr. Xander. “I really don’t think you have too much to worry about though. By how slow this has grown and by the type of shadow this is, I’m not too concerned. I feel pretty comfortable waiting another three months before doing a repeat MRI which would totally rule out cancer. This scan makes me fairly certain that this is not a repeat of your liver cancer, though.

Living With No Cancer Death Sentence

Jeff and I looked at each other, I could see his famous cat-ate-the-canary expression spreading across his face, I knew my smile was splitting my face wide open.  I was smiling so big my chapped lips were cracking and bleeding.

Suddenly our entire lives had turned around, suddenly Jeff’s life didn’t come with a really close expiration tag.