Falling in Love With More Than Just Build-a-Bears

Jeff was a 41-year-old man with liver failure who was barely hanging on the transplant list. He lived at an assisted living facility called “Side by Side“. I was a 24-year-old girl dying from a rare neurological disease who also lived at Side by Side. The two of us adored Build-a-Bears and spending as much time as possible together. We were an unlikely romance, but were desperately in love with each other

Originally I thought that Jeff and I were just best friends. Due to a physical and developmental delay that according to my doctors

“Seems to be a much less dramatic form of Syndrome X, it’s an extremely rare condition that I can’t figure out whether or not is connected to her autoimmune-mediated autonomic SFN.”

I didn’t produce adult hormones and I didn’t age past the preteen stage, the only times I’d ever fallen in love with before were with my Build-a-Bears. However the night before, I’d had a talk with Melody, my main PCA (caregiver). She helped me discover that my feelings were more than just friendship.

A Shared Love of Build-a-Bears

Melody even volunteered to take the two of us on our first date to make Build-a-Bears.

Jeff loved my Build-a-Bears. He knew that Build-a-Bear was my favorite store. We had endless fun dressing and playing with my Build-a-Bears, I could only imagine how much Jeff would love Build-a-Bears of his own.

Still, when Jeff came loping into the apartment in the morning, I felt like I was quivering inside. 

“Do you want to sit somewhere?” I asked Jeff.

“Sure,” he pulled up the black wheelie office chair and plopped himself in it.

Clearing my throat a few times, I kept trying to speak, but all that was coming out were little squeaks.

“Are you okay?” Jeff asked me.  “Are you choking?”

I shook my head no, grabbed onto one of my Build-a-Bears for security, and finally words came out.

Confessing My Love to Jeff

“You’re my best friend in the world Jeff, but you’re more than my best friend, I also like you, like you.”

“You like me, like me? Are we in middle school again?” Jeff asked smiling his big “cat ate the canary” smile.

“Okay, I’ve fallen in love with you,” I adapted my statement.

Jeff’s face was turning red and he was grinning ear to ear.

“I want to move slowly, because I’ve never been in a relationship before, but I’ve been head over heels in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you, I just didn’t realize it because I’ve never been in love with anyone before. Also, I was terrified you would say no because of the age difference or how sick I am.” I explained.

Jeff Confessing His Love to Me

“Ever since I first meant you, I wanted you to be my mine.  I fell in love with you immediately when I saw your pigtails with the bows in your hair and heard your cute little voice. You were talking to Chrissy on your tour here. The only reason I didn’t ask you out yet was because of the age difference. The thought of you telling me “no” was too devastating.

“Age is just a number once a person is past 21,” I told Jeff echoing what Melody had told me. “You have no idea how much I love you”.

Jeff lowered the side rail of my bed and leaned in and gave me a long hard hug.  I melted against him smelling his Old Spice Aqua Reef scent of deodorant, and body wash. 

Budding Excitement Over Making Build-a-Bears

He stroked my back lightly and it sent tingles of excitement down my spine. It was almost as if his fingers were magical. We began discussing our first date to go to the Workshop and make Build-a-Bears.

“That would be so much fun,” he had said excitedly when I brought up the idea. “We can make ‘his and hers’ Build-a-Bears that are the same exact bear. They can also be in love with each other. We can have them go for joy rides in the Build-a-Bears’ car together.”

I grinned excitedly looking forward to making and playing with the Build-a-Bears with Jeff, my boyfriend. Thinking of him as my boyfriend sent thrills of joy through my whole body. So this was what love felt like.

As we spoke, he caressed my hand.

Dreaming Even Beyond Build-a-Bears

“Someday we can rent an apartment and move out of here, then we can have our PCAs just take care of us at our own place,” Jeff told me. “That way we can have our own bedroom together.”

“Would we really be able to do that?” I asked.

“Why not?” Jeff said. “We’re in the Independent Living Section here, the aides do nothing for us. They provide me meals, but if we moved out we would get food stamps and I could buy easy-to-make foods for myself and you wouldn’t have to pay for your sugar-free Gatorade, sugar-free iced tea, water bottles, and Crystal Light.”

“That would be cool,” I agreed, “But how would we get to our doctor’s appointments?” Sadly, doctors’ appointments were a crucial part of both of our lives. We each had at least two appointments a week, easily.

“I have a license, I just need to renew it, then I could buy a used car. We could drive to all our appointments.”

I was starting to love this idea of moving out.

After talking for a long time, we just sat there together in bliss. We kept repeating, “I love you so much,” to each other, and hugging.

Loading Into the Car to Go Make Build-a-Bears

On the day of our first date, Melody came before she was scheduled, just to get me ready.

When Jeff met us outside my appointment, at Melody’s car, she put all of my tube feed, IV fluids, and pumps in my special backpack. Then she opened the front door passenger seat. She put my backpack on the floor of the car and wheeled me over to face the passenger seat. Once I’d locked the wheelchair in place Melody put her arms under my arms. Then she lifted me out of my wheelchair, helped me pivot, and lowered me into the passenger seat.

As soon as I was out of the wheelchair, Jeff dismantled it to put it into the trunk of the car. We then used the handles on the top of the car to hang my IV bags and tube feed.

At the Build-a-Bear Workshop

I let Jeff look at all the Build-a-Bears and pick out the one that we should make together. The funniest thing was, the one he picked out was the exact same one that I would have picked out.  The Build-a-Bears were light brown with super soft and whispy fur, expressive eyes, an embroidered nose, and the sweetest little smile.  They each had a yellow foot that said, “Life is Good” and held our intense love for each other in their little fuzzy bodies.

Jeff named his Oscar.  I named mine Molly. Together we bathed them with high-pressure air at the “Bath Station” for Build-a-Bears. Then we picked out their clothes. We decided that Oscar was a black belt in karate (Jeff and I had both been black belts in martial arts before our illnesses stole that from us), and Molly needed something colorful and cute. Jeff even got Oscar a pair of sunglasses too.

Build-a-Bears and a Love so Unconditional and Pure

Melody had left the Build-a-Bear store so it was a real date. Just the two of us.  Jeff kept calling me “honey,” “sweetheart,” or “baby”. It made me feel so loved and so tingly and warm inside.

For the first time in my conscious memories, I felt a love so unconditional and pure that it was like drinking sweet nectar from God. Our months of friendship had gone way past friendship ages ago. It was just that neither of us had been brave enough to admit our love.

On our way home from Build-a-Bear Melody was driving so Jeff and I took our Build-a-Bears out of the boxes and began playing.

Finally, it seemed, my life was turning a corner.