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After my birthday and graduation, I suffered from what my dad called boredom, anxiety, or a letdown. He had a new theory every day. In my opinion, which eventually got backed up by Dr. Green a few weeks later, I suffered a worsening of my disease process.

The headaches intensified. They got so bad that I blew through my entire supply of oxycodone. Then Dr. Kaye, my adolescent medicine/pediatrician concerned by how fast I’d gone through them, wanted to hold off a couple weeks before prescribing more, so she tapered me down until I wasn’t taking any. The pain from my disease process that no one had a name for, was comparable to having a knife gouged in your head. The pain still couldn’t compare to the knife, unless said knife was on fire.

Because I was so drained all the time from my disease process, when my friends called me to invite me to the mall, movies, bowling, or to go swimming, I turned them down. Just the idea of getting out of bed was overwhelming. It was like my 80-pound body suddenly weighed 800 pounds. It required too much effort to keep my heavy eyelids open. Even talking was too difficult. My speech came out in whispers and slurred tones.

I literally slept all day. Even repositioning myself in bed took too much energy.

I have a strange relationship with my dad.  He loves me unconditionally but can’t handle the fact that I’m physically ill.  Even though I am sick, my dad is very proud of my intelligence.  When I was homeschooling, he got me started reading books on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh.  Maybe it was his way of telling me that he understood I had to make the most of each moment because my moments on earth were limited, or maybe he was just being a good dad and trying to make sure I had a happy life.

Whatever my dad’s motives were for introducing me to mindfulness, I had learned that the only thing that mattered was the present moment.   If there was something I was thinking about doing that I knew would make me happy, I had to make sure to do it as soon as possible.  My dad and the mindfulness books both always told me not to put anything off.